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Well, and so arrives the last day of June. I can't believe I've managed to post every day for 30 days! I started out thinking that I'd start missing them after a few days of good intentions!

I think community is important. Everyone needs somewhere where they feel they belong and where they can contribute. I'm not really involved in any community in my area as I rarely leave the house and don't really like socialising! But online? I try to involve myself as much as possible! I've felt part of a community since doing this blog. I've enjoyed it and it's been perfect to kick-start my blog with. I'm thinking of carrying it on now.

I've also enjoyed reading your blogs as well. It's been very insightful and I know that I'm not the only one out there that feels the way I do or has a different perspective on things compared to many other people. 

I hope you've all enjoyed the blog challenge as much as I have. :D 

Love you all. Remember, you deserve to be cared for and to look after yourself. You're with people that understand you, to an extent. No one can every understand what it's truly like to be YOU; but we can empathise and relate to similar experiences and situations.

<3

 
 
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I'm sometimes stuck in a vicious circle; wondering whether to break free of the familiar sense of depression. It may feel horrible, but it's something that you know. It's something that is predictable. It may not feel great but you at least know how it feels. There's no surprises. 

What about the future? Now that's a mystery to me. Apparently my future holds potential and happiness. That's unfamiliar to me; success and happiness. What is that? How does it feel? I have no idea. A mystery. That's what stops me sometimes when I'm trying to change. It's the unknown. Yes, the desire to be happy is strong within me, but how does it feel? Is it really worth the pain? Is it worth the effort? Is it really as good as everyone says it is? Truth is, you're not going to know until you get there.

Everything in life that you haven't experienced is a mystery. Sometimes these are disappointments, but if there's something you want then work for it. Is happiness a mystery to you too? Can you even remember the last time you were truly happy? It may feel like a far-off dream; something you feel you will never know for the rest of your life. But you will. Keep working at it and it won't be a mystery any more, it'll be a reality.

 

"TRAVEL"

28/06/2012

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Well, this isn't easy, I don't travel! About the only travel I do is getting on the bus for a couple of appointments every week. And maybe once a week going out with a worker from the foster agency to go for a coffee.. That's it! I mean like, genuinely.

My foster family are going on holiday to Egypt in August. I can't go. It started off as me not being allowed to go as I wasn't in a very good state. But now? Even if I was allowed I don't think I'd actually want to go. For one thing, I don't like unfamiliar places. I also can't go swimming because of how scarred my body is and how self-conscious I get about that and my weight. It's also all-inclusive which means I would be allowed to eat and eat which would totally trigger off my purging behaviours even more so than now. And I hate planes. Or as I like to call them; those claustrophobic tubes of death that fly 30,000 feet in the air. Yes, I don't think so!

I used to travel a little bit when I was younger. I went to France to Disneyland Paris and also went to Mauritius for a couple of weeks. Besides that? I haven't been on a holiday abroad in years. About the only travelling I'm going to be doing in the next couple of months will be getting into a car to be taken to my respite placement while everyone else disappears to Egypt!

Moving on to a more metaphorical kind of travel, I saw this quote today although it didn't specify who said it: "Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean that you aren't headed for sunshine."

 

"BLISS"

27/06/2012

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Bliss to me right now is the fact I've just got out of bed, and it's gone 12PM. That's a rarity but it's so comfortable! Your bed may not feel so comfortable when you're trying to sleep but in the morning when you need to get up? So much of a different story.. I would've stayed in it all day but I had to be up for an appointment so I have to leave in an hour. Shame. I miss my bed already!

I always thought that trying to be thinner and more appealing would be bliss. That never turned out to be the case. Instead I'm never happy. I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy with the way I looked. There was a time before all this when that was the case, not any more. I've changed my whole life now. To me, eating disorders can be treated but they can't be fully cured. They'll linger in the back of your head and you won't be blissful with yourself ALL the time. Although, what person is ever happy with their bodies totally 100% every minute of the day for the rest of their lives?

The only way I've ever found bliss is through lucid dreaming. It's a whole world that you can feel, smell, see, hear. You can fly and actually have the 'real' sensation that you're flying. You can get through to your subconscious and ask questions, the answers of which may surprise you. You can tell people things that you never would be able to in reality, but when you're lucid dreaming? Totally different. 

If you've never tried it, I'd suggest you do. It takes practice but once you've managed to get into it? Oh my gosh. You'll never turn back ;D

If you're interested, here's a helpful link :) 
http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com

 

"PURPOSE"

26/06/2012

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I'm always thinking about the reason why humans exist. I don't know why, but it's something that can play on your brain a lot, especially if you've just had enough with life. Why are we here? What's the meaning of life? What is even my purpose here? What does my existence mean? Everyone's here for a purpose. Everyone's actions are done for a purpose, no matter whether it's conscious or sub-conscious.

What was my 'purpose' for not eating? At first I thought it just involved me losing a bit of weight but it turned into a way more complicated situation than that. What was the 'purpose' for first starting to self-harm? I didn't even know what the words "self-harm" or "anorexia" or "hallucinations" or "mental illness" even meant. I was a young child and didn't even understand why I was doing what I was doing and why I was experiencing things no one else seemed to.

I didn't quite know what to write for the word 'purpose' as nothing jumped out at me as meaning anything specific. I actually had to properly think for this one rather than splurge out the first thing that popped into my head (which I find actually works out better otherwise I'd never post anything as I'd think it was too crappy!). 

So our purpose in this life? I found a quote that I think explains it.

"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." ~Dalai Lama

If even half the population followed this belief then we wouldn't even have wars, we wouldn't have overpowering conflict. In my opinion it would make the world a much better place to live. At the moment it's just filled with violence and judgements. To me, that just exacerbates people's mental illnesses and makes them feel a lot more alone and isolated; scared of people's judgements and harsh words. 

I've gone off topic here. Ma bad. I'm sat watching Ice Age. My purpose? It at least makes me smile ;)

Take care all. <3


 
 
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"Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on." ~Alice Duer Miller

Has someone ever done something to you that is wrong or unforgivable? Sometimes forgiveness helps you overcome it. Forgiveness isn't about saying "Oh, what you did was fine, we'll let it go". Forgiveness is about acceptance and being able to move on rather than hold on to the past. Often, holding onto the past is our way of coping with things, but it gives you the option of bottling up all the unresolved anger. You don't want that option. As the quote said at the beginning of this post, genuine forgiveness isn't about denying the anger you feel against the person, it's about facing it head-on and dealing with it rather than trying to pretend it's not there; the elephant in the room as it were.

What about forgiveness towards yourself? Do you forgive your mistakes as quickly as you may be able to forgive other people's? I generally find that I forgive people's mistakes a lot more easily than I do my own; even if my mistake is ever so small. Maybe that's the perfectionist side of me talking, but even the slightest thing can send me into a rage about myself.

Ever tried to recover and you've relapsed? For instance, every time I binge I tell myself that it'll be the last time. It never is. When the next time eventually arises, I beat myself up about it. I'm not very forgiving. Relapses and mistakes happen. Don't let it get to you. Start over and promise yourself that you won't beat yourself up if you make the same mistake again. You may not learn the first time, or the second time, or even the third time.. or the tenth! But you will learn. Each time you relapse or make a mistake, it only makes you stronger, as long as you let it. 

Learn to forgive yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. Beating yourself up over small mistakes or relapses isn't going to help. You deserve to be forgiven and be given a fresh start and a clean slate. 

 

"FACE"

24/06/2012

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Faces are interesting things. They can reveal your innermost secrets, or they can be masks made of steel. Either way, they can say a lot. 

Normally, I can control what I want my face to look like. I can make myself a mask of happiness when inside I'm crying out for someone to catch me while I'm falling. It can be quite a deceiving thing. Often, it's easy to 'put a face on' with people you don't know so well. For me, it's very difficult to do while I'm with my foster family. They knew when I'm feeling really low, whether I put on a face or not. If someone knows you well, they know what to look out for and pay no attention whatsoever to the smile on your face or the lies of "I'm okay". 

My downfall is my face sometimes; particularly my eyes. I am an absolutely terrible liar. I'm brilliant at deceiving people, but that's slightly different to lying. When I'm asked a direct question, I have to answer honestly. If I'm lying then my brain instantly goes "NO, KERI. I'M NOT LETTING YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT". Obviously, people who know me use this to their advantage and also, again, know the signs.

It's tiring keeping a mask on your face, as a lot of you probably know. It can be absolutely exhausting. But sometimes, if you're with people who care about you, it can be good to let your face tell them how you're feeling instead of trying to keep it a secret from them. You can let it pull an expression that just SHOWS how you're feeling rather than you having to put it into words.

Let people in from time to time. Don't keep it all to yourself. Don't spend all your energy putting on a mask when inside you really need someone to help you.

 

"SOUL"

23/06/2012

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"Only a man who knows what it's like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even." ~Muhammad Ali

I don't know much about the soul. Whenever I think about it I always wonder what happens after we die; the afterlife and such. That would make for one truly depressing post!

I'm not religious. I do not believe in God. I do not believe in spirits. I do not believe in angels. That is my view and I generally stick by it. I am envious of people who are religious or who believe in a faith as they have a back-up plan when things go wrong. They can put their faith in their beliefs in their almighty power, or whatever you want to call it. I don't have a God to pray to, I don't have an angel I can ask for help. I just don't believe in it all.

What I do believe is that we are all born with some form of soul. The soul is innocent and pure. You may feel dirty or tainted during parts of your life but the soul remains inside you with it's purity. It just needs to be polished and dusted off at those times!

I do believe that people are born as good people. Admittedly there are some real a**holes in this world. No one can change that. Their life has gone wrong and they want to take out their pain on other people. Although isn't that just as bad as taking it out on yourself? Punishing YOUR soul and YOUR body? You are just as deserving as any other person on this planet. 

Your soul is unique to you. It holds the good, the innocence and the purity of all of us. I also think that where there is good, it is balanced with a bad side. So in my opinion this must be the case with a soul. Everyone has an innocent and good side, but they also have the dark and tainted side. What we have to decide is what side do we go with? 

Feed your pure and innocent soul; starve the side that is tainted with evil. The pure and innocent are stronger than any other being or 'thing'. No matter how hard the battle, no matter how bad your life has been, dig down and find your soul and fight through it with all the love and faith you can. It will get better, with a lot of hard work.

If you don't have faith in a God or other form of spirit, have faith in YOURSELF. <3

 

"HOME"

22/06/2012

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Home is where the heart is? OH. YES. IT IS. 

I've called a lot of places 'home'. It got to the point where I was so institutionalised that I was calling 'home' the place where my bed was for the night. That's not what home is, in my opinion.

Home is where you feel safe, where you feel secure, where you feel unjudged and where you feel that you belong. Home doesn't necessarily mean with your birth family or where you were born. Home is the place that you can be yourself, no matter what. Home is where people accept you for who you are. You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not just to fit in. You just have to be YOU.

My home is with my foster family. And barely a day goes by where they don't say how much they care for me. They've always said that even at 21 (the point I'd have to move out) they'd still be here waiting for me if I needed anything. In their eyes, I am their daughter. They may be paid to be foster carers and to look after me and my kid foster brother, but that doesn't mean they don't care. A lot of foster carers do it to get paid. My foster parents do it because they care. They want to help. They want to provide a house for their foster children (and they're biological children for that matter) somewhere for them to call home. 

If anything, that's what a child, a teenager, or an adult, needs best. To feel at home in their surroundings. Safe. Secure. Loved.

 

"FIGHT"

21/06/2012

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This is going to be a quick one for me to do. I could go on for hours but I've had my tablets so I'm getting double vision and it may not make much meaningful sense. I'll try though!

Putting it bluntly, fighting is what you should do in any situation. Fight for yourself. Fight until the end to make positive changes to your behaviour and to the view of yourself. Fight against people who think it's all you wanting attention, fight against the people that are still cloaked in stigma.

That wasn't much but I'm literally about to pass out. Night all. Hopefully tomorrow's will be full of more logic! <3