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I love Jimmy Carr. He never fails to cheer me up: until now.

If your parents aren't very good parents, sometimes you find yourself thinking you will NEVER be like them. For instance, one of my parents is - or was - an alcoholic. Whether he still drinks I do not know, I haven't seen him for years. I always told myself I'd never overdo it on alcohol as I saw what it did to him.

Now I'm sat here binge-drinking, as I have been doing for the past 6 nights. I saw how comatose it made my parent. Why wouldn't that work with me? Have you ever done this? If you have, take my advice: DON'T. Especially if you're on medication. If you're on tablets that you aren't supposed to combine with alcohol, do not binge drink. Once in a while, maybe, but not constantly night after night.

I'm considering talking to someone about it. The problem is I had the perfect opportunity to do so earlier and ended up lying and saying I'd only done it for one night out of the last 6 - now 7. Now I'm going to have to bring up the whole subject again only to admit that I was lying. Maybe that's better than just letting things fester.

I really don't know why I do this to myself sometimes. I've spent my life determined not to be like my alcoholic parent. I saw how badly it affected him, and in turn affected the rest of the household. Now I'm sat here following in his exact footsteps.

 
 
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Look how adorable Bracken is! He's a 5 month old border collie puppy who's keeping me company in this new place I'm in for the next however many days. Isn't he just so loveable? I've decided that I'm going to have to sneak him home with me in my suitcase when I go back home.

I'm in a respite placement at the moment, which means I've been placed with temporary foster carers while my other foster carers go on holiday abroad. They've gone to Egypt which I think I've mentioned before. 

I saw my CPN on Tuesday and she decided (along with my shrink and GP) that it's about time they prescribed some Diazepam, which they have now done. The problem is, it's making me all dopey during the day but it hasn't helped me get a good night's sleep yet! I've got several days worth of it but to be honest, if it hasn't helped me sleep by tomorrow night then I might just leave it for now. I know benzodiazepines can be addictive and I'm quite anti-drugs if there's a risk I could become dependent or start abusing them. I'm pretty positive that's not going to happen at the moment but the risk is always there.

Until then I'm going to smoke a lot, use my crisis box and keep Bracken company. He's such an attention-seeker. He just loves to be cuddled and thinks everyone is edible. The amount of dog saliva I've had on me is kinda gross... I know dog's mouths are supposed to be cleaner than a toilet, but still, he's been licking his penis with that tongue... Lovely imagery right there huh?? Ending on a good note LOL.

Much love all <3



 
 
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It definitely has been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been "close to manic" as my CPN puts it. I'm not manic, I'm a combination of manic and depressed. It's a weird thing. I'm real hyper but the thoughts racing around my head aren't happy and go-lucky, they're depressed and suicidal. Like I said, it's weird.

With all the energy I've got I haven't really done much beside bounce off my bedroom walls and spend money. The solution from my mental health team is just to up my dose of medication. Does that really work? A part of me knows I need to do this and keep taking tablets, but then another part of me wonders why I can't just be stable without poxy medication to take. 

I've seen a film called Ted advertised in the cinemas. The outreach worker who works for the fostering agency wants to go and see it. It's rated as a 15 so I'm one of the few who she can take. What a job she's got huh? She goes out and drinks coffee, watches films and spends time out with the foster children! Admittedly she's also got to do paperwork, but how cool is that? She doesn't even have to pay for any of it. "Receipt please, the foster agency will pay". Eheh. There's probably downsides to the job but y'anno, it's about as good as it can get.

I've got to go into respite on the 20th while my foster family go abroad to Egypt for a holiday. I'm not really a "going abroad" kind of person. Not only will it be too hot, but I don't want to run the risk of going loony while I'm there. Imagine what it would be like having some kind of mental health crisis in a foreign country? Plus, I hate planes; or as I call them "claustrophobic tubes of death that fly fifty thousand feet in the air". The last time I went on a plane was a twelve-hour flight to Mauritius seven years ago. Never again!

Okay, it's taken me nearly two days to write this post as I can't sit still and concentrate. I hope you appreciate all the effort I've put in here! ;) 

 
 
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Well, it's me again! I've been considering calling the Crisis Team since Friday evening. My mental health team is going to be changing it's hours soon. They currently work 9am - 5pm. Classic office hours. That'll be switching to 8am - 8pm which I'm sure will be more helpful. Not only to me but to every other patient that they see.

I've been dissociating a lot. By dissociating I'm talking severely, where I get hours at a time where I don't know what I've done, who I've spoken to, where I've been etc. I also had two days where I binged incessantly. It was.. fun.. I'm hoping I communicated the sarcasm well in the word 'fun'..

But anyway, at what point do you call the Crisis Team? They can't exactly control my dissociation and, even though I hate to admit it, neither can I! Part of me says that the Crisis Team can be called even if you're not on the point when you're standing on a tall building considering jumping off. But what if it's something that no one can control? Half the reason I'm so stressed out about it is because I have no answers. I have no techniques to be able to control it. No, I wouldn't say I'm in 'imminent danger'. But would it be classed as 'imminent danger'? I have no idea when or where I can dissociate so in two minutes time it could happen and I'd end up in a dangerous situation. Would that count as a crisis? 

This is stupidly confusing and I probably haven't explained it well. I'm thinking that I only have to hold out until tomorrow, although it is only 12PM and night time is the worst. To me, my preference is that I use my CPN and psychiatrist rather than having to sell out my soul to some member on the Crisis Team. I know that they can access my records and such, but yanno, I don't really want to have to explain everything again and again. I've heard horror stories about experiences from the Crisis Team. That's probably partly why I don't want to ring them. I'd rather not have an insensitive dumb-ass on the line who knows nothing. There's always a chance that'll happen.

It's Monday tomorrow! I can do this. Stupid out-of-hours problems..

 
 
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Hey again. The picture has nothing to do with what I'm about to say but I thought it would be fun to put. It was from a while ago when I went to Bristol Zoo... It's my turtle face ;)

I've been contemplating for a very long time about doing a video blog on YouTube. I've thought about it since the day I created my account, even before that. I've been using my channel to upload my diary videos (I video it rather than write it) but, of course, they're set as private. No one can see them. This is partially to do with the fact I talk about other people's personal information; the main reason, however, is how blatant and in depth I can get. I've looked back over some of the videos and in my view they can trigger someone very badly which I don't want happening if I'm to start a video blog!

I'd be doing videos separately to my diary videos, the video blog will be public and will attempt to help other people who are experiencing the same or similar symptoms or traumas. I'm hoping it would benefit other people but I'm not too sure. I'd be very careful about posting videos that would be triggering and, to be honest, I'd be blatant and to the point. There wouldn't be any beating around the bush! I still haven't made up my mind though. I know that once I make one then I will probably carry on doing them. It's just getting the guts to do an intro video! I have no idea what I'd say, what I'd put in it, and whether it would catch on. Who knows. Maybe it's a risk worth taking? No idea.

Another point, my new laptop arrived yesterday! It works amazingly. I also was introduced to a new multi-player game by a friend of mine. It's called APB Reloaded. It's basically police vs. criminals and I'd obviously be a copper! No backing up criminals here! APB stands for All Points Bulletin which is police lingo, I think. At least that's what came up when I googled it to see what the game was. I have tried it and shooting criminals has definitely given me a buzz. Not in a "oh, hey, I've killed someone, YAY" kinda way, more of a "I'm really annoyed, I'm going to go a shoot the hell out of some criminals online" kinda thing. I think people would prefer me to go online and kill people and let out my anger that way rather than grabbing a gun and doing it in real life! 

Hope you're all well!

Keri. xoxo.