It's pretty depressing here. I've now been an in-patient for 9 days and I'm hating every second. My foster carers want me back. They're visiting me every other day. The problem is, they don't want Sally back with me. The others? Well, the parts of me that aren't destructive are also allowed back. My foster carers just don't want to find my body in the morning because Sally's pushed it too far! Plus, Sally's very threatening and aggressive and they have to think about the safety of the other foster child they have who's only 14, plus their grandson who visits at the weekends who's also 14. I'd rather stay in hospital, the place I dread with a passion, rather than put them in danger. The night before I was admitted my foster carers ended up having to restrain me because I dissociated and Sally came out. I don't want to put them in that position again any time soon.
I had ward round yesterday and was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I was told that Borderline Personality Disorder was just a label that had been put on me because my symptoms were so all over the place that I didn't fit into any other category. At first, I didn't know what this Dissociative Identity Disorder was, then I looked it up on a website that was suggested to me by one of the therapists. Suddenly everything makes sense! I don't believe in labels as such but having that label makes me realise that I'm not an alien. I'm not alone in this. Yes, I will admit, it's not exactly a common occurrence, but that doesn't mean other people haven't experienced these symptoms.
Maybe my admittance to hospital was a blessing in disguise. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten the right diagnosis if things hadn't gotten so bad? There's no way to tell. But now I have answers.
I'm also going to start my video blog, mainly focused on aspects of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I received a wonderful message from a fellow Youtuber who watched one of my diary videos that I'd accidentally kept as 'public' instead of changing it to 'private' like the rest of my videos. She's my inspiration to start the video blog. Not only can I talk about D.I.D. but I can also talk about eating disorders. I hope my channel will help people. Plus, it'll give me something to do while I'm in hospital. I just hope that I can make a difference to someone's life, even if it's just one person. That would be one person more than if I had chosen never to do it.
I tell you what, when I put my video introduction up, I shall add the link straight to my blog for you guys to see. I hope you're all taking care of yourselves. Until then, much love from me. Keep smiling.