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Hey again. The picture has nothing to do with what I'm about to say but I thought it would be fun to put. It was from a while ago when I went to Bristol Zoo... It's my turtle face ;)

I've been contemplating for a very long time about doing a video blog on YouTube. I've thought about it since the day I created my account, even before that. I've been using my channel to upload my diary videos (I video it rather than write it) but, of course, they're set as private. No one can see them. This is partially to do with the fact I talk about other people's personal information; the main reason, however, is how blatant and in depth I can get. I've looked back over some of the videos and in my view they can trigger someone very badly which I don't want happening if I'm to start a video blog!

I'd be doing videos separately to my diary videos, the video blog will be public and will attempt to help other people who are experiencing the same or similar symptoms or traumas. I'm hoping it would benefit other people but I'm not too sure. I'd be very careful about posting videos that would be triggering and, to be honest, I'd be blatant and to the point. There wouldn't be any beating around the bush! I still haven't made up my mind though. I know that once I make one then I will probably carry on doing them. It's just getting the guts to do an intro video! I have no idea what I'd say, what I'd put in it, and whether it would catch on. Who knows. Maybe it's a risk worth taking? No idea.

Another point, my new laptop arrived yesterday! It works amazingly. I also was introduced to a new multi-player game by a friend of mine. It's called APB Reloaded. It's basically police vs. criminals and I'd obviously be a copper! No backing up criminals here! APB stands for All Points Bulletin which is police lingo, I think. At least that's what came up when I googled it to see what the game was. I have tried it and shooting criminals has definitely given me a buzz. Not in a "oh, hey, I've killed someone, YAY" kinda way, more of a "I'm really annoyed, I'm going to go a shoot the hell out of some criminals online" kinda thing. I think people would prefer me to go online and kill people and let out my anger that way rather than grabbing a gun and doing it in real life! 

Hope you're all well!

Keri. xoxo.

 
 
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Hey all. I've been a busy little bumble bee. Well, that depends how you define busy. Yesterday I spent a lot of my time dedicating myself to make a crisis box. I think it's also known as a distraction box but I'm not sure. I've added a nice little photo that I've just taken of my box and I thought I'd share it. One of you might find it helpful, that's if you don't already have one.

I spent some time thinking about what I'd put in it and how I'd decorate it. Stuck on the outside of it and on the box lid I've put quotes and some things that other people have written about me (nice things!) just to remind myself about some positives.

I also decided to stick some crisis numbers on the lid of the box too. In a crisis, the last thing you think of is rooting around for your numbers that you need to call, so having them right there and in your face is a helpful tool to have.

Inside it (so far, there's more to go in) I have put:
- Dave, my PG tips monkey. A cuddly toy can be comforting.
- A piece of card with strategies to handle voices if they're particularly hard to deal with.
- A colouring book and felt pens.
- A small puzzle book to fill in if my concentration allows.
- A rubber ball that's hard enough to squeeze but not so hard that it will damage anything if I throw it at something.
- Elastic bands, a substitute for self-harm that's less destructive than cutting, burning or overdosing etc.
- A bracelet that was given to me by my foster carers. It reminds me of them. When you feel low it's hard to remember about the people who care about you and that bracelet reminds me that they're always there for me and would be gutted if something happened.
- And finally, a letter from one of my friends that fills me with tears of laughter every time I read it.

This isn't the final list but that's what I've got in it so far. I don't know whether it's going to be helpful yet but what I can say is that the time I spent making it and getting stuff to put in there kept my mind occupied rather than sitting and thinking about the past.

Would you find this helpful? I hope so. :)

 
 
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It's 30 degrees outside and it's way too hot. I'm surprised I haven't melted into a puddle yet! I'm not used to the hot weather as I'm so used to being cold all the time. Being hot to the point of sweating is unknown to me (when exercise isn't involved).

It's strange though as it's got me thinking. Everyone seems to be smiling and happy and I actually sat there and found myself wishing I had seasonal affective disorder. On days like this, I'd like to feel happy. I'd like the depression to lift. It doesn't. If I had seasonal affective disorder, at least I'd be happy when the sun was out! Obviously, I'm over simplifying the illness, but I don't mean to.

Some of you reading this might be annoyed that I'm "wishing" a mental illness upon myself, but the truth is, I already suffer with mental illness. I'd just like to swap to a different diagnosis! Nothing's ever that simple though. It's a shame really. I'd like to know more about SAD and I'm tempted to look it up some more. My knowledge of the subject is somewhat limited as I've never really thought much about it or understood it very well. But seeing everyone smiling, it made me wonder why good weather seems to cheer people up; except people who have a chronic depressive disorder or mood. It's weird to see. I haven't seen a miserable face at all today! 

I hope you're all enjoying the lovely weather. If you've got rain, then I'm hoping you're envious of the weather here. Although I bet it won't last long! This is England after all, famous for the weather of overcast clouds and rain.

 
 
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I bought a book several weeks ago called "Getting Better Bit(e) by Bit(e)"  - a survival kit for sufferers of bulimia nervosa and binge eating disorders. I found it quite useful to some extent. The problem is, I don't suffer from bulimia. I have anorexia. The book was suggested to me by an outreach worker from the fostering agency in charge of my placement because I have times when I binge and purge. The reason I wanted to talk about a specific part of the book is to see if it would help anyone else. The reason that the book hasn't helped me in regards to binging is because you have to start eating regularly and eat enough calories to keep yourself nourished. I'm currently not at the stage where I can do that, so my binges are still going to continue because of the physiological side of things. 

To start, it talks about why your eating may be uncontrolled. It talks of both the physiological and psychological reasons behind bingeing. 

The physiological aspects of bingeing can involve it being the direct result of starvation. If you aren't eating enough calories, the body will scream at you with overwhelming cravings for food; telling you that you need more nutrition than you are currently giving it. The more you cut down your food intake, the more prone you're going to be to end up bingeing. Alcohol and drugs can also make the risk higher for binges as they reduce inhibitions.

The psychological reasons? Boredom, stress, loneliness, depression and tension can often lead to binging. Food can (in the beginning) serve as a form of comfort for these feelings. Both psychological and physiological reasons behind bingeing often occur together and at the same time. 

So how do you stop a binge? I shall use the extract from the book that tells you, straight up.

"A lot of people feel that if only their binges could be cured, they wouldn't have a problem. Unfortunately bingeing as a symptom can't be treated in isolation. In trying to tackle the physiological aspects of bingeing, it is very important:
  • that you work on eating regularly at meal-times to give your body proper nutrition and thereby to reduce strong cravings for food that are going to set you off again;
  • to try as hard as you can not to omit meals after bingeing, as this will programme the next binge;
  • that you deal with the consequences of bingeing, e.g. vomiting.

If you treat these aspects of your problem, you will soon find that binges decrease in duration and frequency."

As you can see, for as long as you are starving or restricting, binges will continue whether you like it or not as the body will not give up until you binge. The cravings will become worse and more constant until the point where you give in. As much as I hate to admit it, this is very true. I'm accepting the fact that my binges will continue until I'm ready to eat a 'normal' caloric intake and that bingeing is a symptom of an illness, not an illness in itself.

I hope this helped. Even if you don't want to hear it, it's the truth and the facts. You may even be in denial. I know that after every one of my binges I sit there and say to myself "I am NEVER going to do this again". What happens? I do it again. I say the same thing the next time. And it happens again. No amount of willpower can seem to stop it. 

Good luck! If you're interested in buying the book then I've listed the details below.

Getting Better Bit(e) by Bit(e) - a survival kit for sufferers of bulimia nervosa and binge eating disorders
by Ulrike Schmidt & Janet Treasure

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Better-Bit-Sufferers-Disorders/dp/0863773222/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342784950&sr=1-1 

 
 
No picture today! I have plenty to use but I couldn't quite make up my mind.

I had my appointment with my dietician today and, even though I've lost more weight, I left with three new goals. I'm hoping I can keep to them for the next two weeks until I see her again. I believe they are achievable. Well, I know two of them are.

They consist of:
1. Eat 2 times per day.
2. Use distraction techniques for at least 1 hour after eating.
3. Stop taking diet pills.

I know I can do numbers 1 and 2 as I have achieved them before. Eating twice a day isn't an issue. It doesn't matter how small the portion sizes are, just as long as I eat twice a day. The distraction techniques are designed so that I don't make myself vomit after eating a meal. After an hour the urge is significantly lower than it would've been just after eating but I have a lot of distractions I can use to achieve this. At the moment I'm limiting my vomiting only to when I've binged.

As to the diet pills? Well. They've become a problem. I'm taking more than recommended and can't seem to stop myself doing it. I'm hoping that I can at least cut down the amount I'm taking. Even if I don't stop, lowering the amount would be progress in regards to stopping them. I'm just worried about whether my body starts getting used to having diet pills to help it work in weight loss and then when I stop it'll start putting on weight because the diet pills have been taken away. I won't know until I get to that point.

You ever started eating normally and found your urge to binge gets a heck of a lot stronger and more frequent? That's my worry. I don't care if I start eating more during the day, it's the binges that bother me. It scares me so much that it forces me to cut down my caloric intake even more than normal so that my urge to binge isn't so strong. Ever been in that position? What did you do? Did you wait it out and put up with it until it normalised? 

Much love.
 
 
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Well, the picture and the title say it all really. I got upset because I had been binging a lot the other week. It's not really the case at the moment but that's not a problem.

I have to get my prescription medications weekly (overdose risk) which means that on a certain day every week I have to go the chemist and get my tablets. This means I have to stand around for ten minutes waiting for them to sort it out if they haven't already done it. Speaking of which, why does it take so long to count out tablets? Ten minutes? SERIOUSLY?! 

Getting back to the point, when I'm waiting around for them to sort out my prescriptions it means I've got some time to kill. I could probably draw out the chemist and list every medication and box that's lying around on the shelves from memory. I found myself subconsciously lingering around the aisle that contains a lot of the dietary stuff; like build-up shakes, energy tablets, diet tablets, slimming aids and things along those lines. I found myself just grabbing two packets of diet pills and bought them while I was waiting around. Why two packets and not one? I really couldn't tell you.

The first day was okay. You're only supposed to take a few but I took a couple more than I should've done. It wasn't so bad, was it? Then the next day came and I took more.. and more.. then the next day I took more.. and now I'm just popping them like sweeties. Luckily they're like herbal diet pills, they aren't full on. Even so, I know it's at the point where I'm just being point-blank abusive of the damn pills. I know it's stupid. Somehow I keep telling myself it's not that bad because they aren't full-on diet pills; like paying £30 for a box of 50 'hardcore' diet tablets but they're still diet pills none the less.

I'm seeing my dietician in a couple of days though so I'm hoping all this can get sorted. Somehow it doesn't seem so simple as "just not buying them". If it were that simple then I wouldn't have gotten myself in this position. I'd rather get help to stop it while I'm in this position, rather than progressing to the point where I'm going to be spending hundreds of pounds on diet pills rather than on food. 

Like the photo said, I don't want to end up doing something permanently stupid to myself just because I was temporarily upset over the fact I'd been binging and didn't have any scales to weigh myself with - my foster carer has moved them into her bedroom rather than having them openly accessible to the bathroom. I would never go into someone else's bedroom without permission.

Wish me luck!

 
 
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Afternoon! I realise it has been a while but I'm back. The picture has nothing to do with my post but I liked it so I thought I'd share it..

I totally shut down for several days; wouldn't talk to anyone, stayed in my room, did nothing. That kinda thing. 

Now I'm ill. The good old V&D bug. One minute I was fine, the next I have searing abdominal pain and feel dreadful. The problem is it's now been nearly 24 hours since I ate anything because I still feel nauseous and there's a high risk I'll throw it up (involuntarily) afterwards which I don't want to happen. I don't feel as nauseous as I did yesterday but not eating anything has triggered my disordered eating again. 

I'm sat here thinking, y'anno what? I haven't eaten and it's making me feel better, so why should I have anything for the rest of the day? When you're ill, you don't normally feel like eating or doing anything. The problem is, I find it triggers me and I end up starving myself, even after I feel better. 

Hopefully I'll be feeling better and this bug will have disappeared by tomorrow morning. I've got to admit, I don't feel worse than yesterday but I still have the weakness and tiredness. I think it was just some 24 hour thing. Y'anno, the whole OMGOMG SO MUCH PAIN IT'LL NEVER END, and then it's gone just like that. It's quite weird to be honest and very annoying. 

It's natural to be ill at some stage anyway although I think it's just anxiety that's coming out as physical symptoms. It can't be food poisoning as my diet consists of the same foods over and over again and I'm a vegetarian so I don't eat meat or fish... I also don't have some kind of chronic long-term disease so yeah. Although my hair's falling out again and my motor tics are as bad as ever. Good old anxiety, eh?

Hope you guys are okay, and I'm sorry it's been a while! I'm considering posting some of my poems I've written on here. Although I haven't actually decided yet ;)

Take care <3

 
 
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I went out to celebrate my mum's birthday yesterday. One of the activities involved going to the cinema. We watched Snow White and the Huntsmen. It's basically Snow White with a dark kinda twist to it. It was really good. 

To make the point though, I watch movies like that and just think; if you're in a wood on your own and you hear a noise from the blackness that involves straying off the trail, why on earth would you go "Oh, why don't I wander into the dark and investigate what kind of magical unicorn is laying in wait for me while I'm all alone?". No, you'd scream and run so fast that your legs would go numb...

Anyway, I went out. I spent over 7 hours with a mother who can guilt-trip, her new boyfriend and a demon brother. You know what, I really do think I could start my own TV drama series. There'd never be a time where there's no story line. There are some times where I really would like my life to be dull and boring. I'd rather feel bored than feel all these other emotions on an epic scale of shitness. 

 
 
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^^ To be honest, I'd prefer this kind of medication!

It's my mother's birthday tomorrow. I've barely spoken to her for months and I haven't seen her for months either... I'm  not quite sure whether to see her or not. Her boyfriend wants to as a surprise and to be honest, I do want to go as her birthday is only once a year; stating the obvious right there, but still.

I'm kind of stuck within a conflict. On the one hand she's my mother and I still have feelings towards her as a mother-daughter thing. I want a relationship with her and, even though I'd prefer to stay in bed, I feel obliged to see her. There's that word again: obligation. Stupid word. Ever feel obliged to do something and totally try and bury your feelings so that you end up doing something for someone else? Totally disregarding your own emotions and thoughts?

Anyway, on the other side of this conflict, I also feel guilty in regards to my foster parents. Seeing my biological family usually negatively effects me emotionally. My mother will go home at the end of it all, whereas my foster parents will be left to deal with the remains of me; the empty, depressive, emotional, zombie-like shell. A part of me doesn't want to do that to them. But then there's the conflict again!

 
 
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I took a picture of the sunrise outside my bedroom window this morning. It's so pretty. :3

I actually went to town today. After months of sitting in my room, confining myself to the house and only leaving for appointments, I ACTUALLY WENT OUT! Admittedly it was with a student nurse from my mental health team but still, I got the bus into town to meet her. I'm clearly such a rebel ;) 


I'm hoping this is the start of actually having a life outside of these four walls. If it is, then cool. If it's not, then so be it. At least I can say I tried. Now I'm back to watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm on season 2 out of 7 and some of the main characters are getting killed off. How could they do that to Miss Calendar?! I love Spike though.. he's my favourite, especially in the later series. I'm not saying any more though just in case some of you readers haven't seen it and may do in the future!

If you haven't been out for a while, go for it; even if it's just a walk down the road or to the shop or something. At least then you're getting out. It's not healthy to be anti-social and confine yourself to the house with only limited time outside. You can start thinking about the same negative things that just go around your head over and over again. Small steps.