Dear my wonderful readers,

I apologise now for my lack of blogging. I've just realised that it's been a long time since I made a post. I couldn't believe it when I logged on and found this had happened. I'm back to the blogging thing now, I've also reignited my Twitter account and created a Facebook page raising awareness for Dissociative Identity Disorder.

The reason I haven't been blogging is because I was quite busy. I was in hospital as I was dissociating severely almost daily (Sally would come out, slice up my leg and I'd have to go to hospital to get stitches). In only a month I'd needed over 400 stitches. It got to the point where I could no longer stay in my foster placement. I was chronically anaemic, I was drained and tired, I was struggling to take my medication. Overall everything went to shit. That was what lead to my psychiatric admission which I have mentioned in my previous posts.

On 3rd January I was back home with my foster carers, but over those 2 weeks I got very unwell very quickly. I didn't eat anything, I refused to take any form of medication, I was still dissociating severely which meant my foster carers were yo-yoing to and from hospital with me to get stitches. By the end of the 2 weeks I turned around and said I needed help. I was admitted to hospital again on 18th January and have been an inpatient since, just over 5 weeks now.

I can safely say now that I'm taking medication (way too much) and my dissociative episodes haven't been so bad. I've had a few major ones at the hospital but I'll go into that during another post. This post was mainly to update you all on why I haven't been blogging but now I'm getting back on track. 

For those of you with DID, or with a loved one who has DID, or even just to help people like me raise awareness for the diagnosis then please 'Like' the Facebook page I created and help make the diagnosis less controversial and allow more people to understand the complexity of the diagnosis.

https://www.facebook.com/DIDCampaign

Take care my fellow bloggers.

I will be updating AT LEAST once a week.

xoxo.

 
 
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Now, if this doesn't explain everything to the doctors then I'm a total lost cause..

Just so you guys know, I've made an introductory video finally for my Youtube blogging!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzHDmskcExM

 
 
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Well, what can I say? I've been an in-patient now since 7th November. My dissociation had hit a point of being life-threatening. One of my parts, Sally, was doing severe damage to my leg which has now left me on crutches and I'll have to start physio. I needed nearly 300 stitches. I got transferred to an adult psychiatric ward on the 7th temporarily and was moved to the psych hospital I'm in now on 9th. The first stay was only a temporary emergency bed until the hospital I was going to be admitted to was given the all clear. It had been quarantined because of a vomiting and diarrhoea bug! Nice huh?!

It's pretty depressing here. I've now been an in-patient for 9 days and I'm hating every second. My foster carers want me back. They're visiting me every other day. The problem is, they don't want Sally back with me. The others? Well, the parts of me that aren't destructive are also allowed back. My foster carers just don't want to find my body in the morning because Sally's pushed it too far! Plus, Sally's very threatening and aggressive and they have to think about the safety of the other foster child they have who's only 14, plus their grandson who visits at the weekends who's also 14. I'd rather stay in hospital, the place I dread with a passion, rather than put them in danger. The night before I was admitted my foster carers ended up having to restrain me because I dissociated and Sally came out. I don't want to put them in that position again any time soon.

I had ward round yesterday and was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I was told that Borderline Personality Disorder was just a label that had been put on me because my symptoms were so all over the place that I didn't fit into any other category. At first, I didn't know what this Dissociative Identity Disorder was, then I looked it up on a website that was suggested to me by one of the therapists. Suddenly everything makes sense! I don't believe in labels as such but having that label makes me realise that I'm not an alien. I'm not alone in this. Yes, I will admit, it's not exactly a common occurrence, but that doesn't mean other people haven't experienced these symptoms.

Maybe my admittance to hospital was a blessing in disguise. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten the right diagnosis if things hadn't gotten so bad? There's no way to tell. But now I have answers.

I'm also going to start my video blog, mainly focused on aspects of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I received a wonderful message from a fellow Youtuber who watched one of my diary videos that I'd accidentally kept as 'public' instead of changing it to 'private' like the rest of my videos. She's my inspiration to start the video blog. Not only can I talk about D.I.D. but I can also talk about eating disorders. I hope my channel will help people. Plus, it'll give me something to do while I'm in hospital. I just hope that I can make a difference to someone's life, even if it's just one person. That would be one person more than if I had chosen never to do it. 

I tell you what, when I put my video introduction up, I shall add the link straight to my blog for you guys to see. I hope you're all taking care of yourselves. Until then, much love from me. Keep smiling.

 
 
No picture today.. I just seriously need to vent. My little brother has gone right off the deep end. Not only has he got into some serious shit that has involved him being arrested and bailed, he's also gone and taken an overdose. It's okay, my mother and her boyfriend are taking him up to the hospital but seriously; I don't know what to do. It hasn't even sunk in yet I don't think. I'm still pretty bubbly and all over the place (as in overly hyper/manic kind of thing) and I think I'm still partly in shock.. 

Let's face it. Me and my little brother had very traumatic childhoods in regards to abuse, and I thought it would mean we never went down the same path as our abuser. The truth is, he's getting involved with crime, I'm binge-drinking.. it's like we've gone into totally polar opposite reactions. He's extrovert and effecting a load of other people, whereas I'm introvert and only inflict violence on myself, and very rarely other people. It's odd. I don't understand it. We haven't spoken for months and he wants to speak to me. I don't know. I really don't. I don't know what my reaction is going to be when I speak to him. What he's done is extremely serious and prison is going to be very likely. He's 16 so probably juvie? I don't really know how these things work if I'm honest. He doesn't seem to feel guilty at all! And now he's gone and overdosed! I thought I'd make an entry seeing as I needed desperately to rant.. 

Rant over.

I hope you're all well. I'll keep you updated on the situation. :)

P.S. The skin graft has taken well! I've just got to keep it in my collar+cuff for a few weeks so it doesn't swell so much. I also started my new job on Wednesday! In the grand scheme of things this isn't important.. but I'll talk more about it in my next post when this crisis is over. :)
 
 
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Seriously Google, what goes through your mind when coming up with suggestions? I cannot stop laughing at this!

So, a quick update, as I realise my updating hasn't been amazing recently. 

I'm getting a skin graft on Friday. I was supposed to go in for surgery yesterday but there was some burns incident and it got rearranged. I spent that morning not drinking, not eating and denying myself any cigarettes and it was all a wasted effort! And that whole effort will start again tomorrow evening..

How did it happen? Well, the 'public' story is that my friend's lighter exploded and set fire to the glove I was wearing. The true story? I'm assuming it was self-inflicted. The problem is I have no idea how it happened. The problem with severe dissociation is you find that odd things, horrible things, and stupid things can happen and you have no clue about it until afterwards. The burns doctor said it looked like a lighter burn (hence where the lighter story came into it for when people ask and it's not appropriate to bring up the real reason). What I do know is that if I remembered doing it, there is no way I would've done anything this severely. 

I've never had a general anaesthetic before and to be honest I'm scared shitless. My foster carers have tried to reassure me but it's not working. I don't give a damn about the potential dangers, like not waking up. What I'm worried about is the fact I'm going to be half-naked and unconscious, surrounded by half a dozen people I don't know. Now is not a great time as the voices I hear are being very problematic. I've also had to take time off of work (the job I've not even be able to start) and ring in saying that I can't come in because I need to go to hospital. I was due to go in today, tomorrow and Friday. I could've gone in today and tomorrow if I'd known my surgery was going to have to be moved.. Now I feel guilty that I've got time off for no reason. It's not my fault but that's beside the point..

Anyway, I'm hoping things will go alright. I need to get my Twitter up and running again. I've had to take a lot of breaks from the internet recently. :O Much love all. xoxo.

 
 
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I realise that I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. I'm getting back into it again now so hopefully a post more often than every fortnight will be good! 

I've gotten back into Neopets. I have no idea how it happened but I'm back on it again. If any of you play Neopets then feel free to add me, my username is swallowaspider. Great name, huh? It's definitely something to pass the time with and I've met some great people over the last couple of weeks.

Both good and bad things have happened. Bad things? I've resorted to drowning my sorrows through binge drinking on vodka which has been going on for a good few weeks. I feel horribly guilty about it but it's not a secret anymore. My carers know, as do my mental health team. I think it's slowly starting to become a problem but I know of no other way to cope right now. I'm hoping it's not a long-term solution. I just need a bit extra right now.

But to rule out the bad thing, we have a good thing that's happened! I went to an interview to see if I could get a volunteer position at an animal shelter (e.g. cats, dogs, small animals etc). I got through! I'm starting in a couple of weeks. That should be a good distraction and I'm hoping, as are my carers, that everything will kind of level out when I have my time filled up with something other than sitting and ruminating. We'll see how it goes. It means that after I start volunteering you might get some pretty upbeat posts rather than posts of my 'not coping well' scenarios. Please, don't follow in my footsteps right now. 

 
 
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I love Jimmy Carr. He never fails to cheer me up: until now.

If your parents aren't very good parents, sometimes you find yourself thinking you will NEVER be like them. For instance, one of my parents is - or was - an alcoholic. Whether he still drinks I do not know, I haven't seen him for years. I always told myself I'd never overdo it on alcohol as I saw what it did to him.

Now I'm sat here binge-drinking, as I have been doing for the past 6 nights. I saw how comatose it made my parent. Why wouldn't that work with me? Have you ever done this? If you have, take my advice: DON'T. Especially if you're on medication. If you're on tablets that you aren't supposed to combine with alcohol, do not binge drink. Once in a while, maybe, but not constantly night after night.

I'm considering talking to someone about it. The problem is I had the perfect opportunity to do so earlier and ended up lying and saying I'd only done it for one night out of the last 6 - now 7. Now I'm going to have to bring up the whole subject again only to admit that I was lying. Maybe that's better than just letting things fester.

I really don't know why I do this to myself sometimes. I've spent my life determined not to be like my alcoholic parent. I saw how badly it affected him, and in turn affected the rest of the household. Now I'm sat here following in his exact footsteps.

 
 
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Look how adorable Bracken is! He's a 5 month old border collie puppy who's keeping me company in this new place I'm in for the next however many days. Isn't he just so loveable? I've decided that I'm going to have to sneak him home with me in my suitcase when I go back home.

I'm in a respite placement at the moment, which means I've been placed with temporary foster carers while my other foster carers go on holiday abroad. They've gone to Egypt which I think I've mentioned before. 

I saw my CPN on Tuesday and she decided (along with my shrink and GP) that it's about time they prescribed some Diazepam, which they have now done. The problem is, it's making me all dopey during the day but it hasn't helped me get a good night's sleep yet! I've got several days worth of it but to be honest, if it hasn't helped me sleep by tomorrow night then I might just leave it for now. I know benzodiazepines can be addictive and I'm quite anti-drugs if there's a risk I could become dependent or start abusing them. I'm pretty positive that's not going to happen at the moment but the risk is always there.

Until then I'm going to smoke a lot, use my crisis box and keep Bracken company. He's such an attention-seeker. He just loves to be cuddled and thinks everyone is edible. The amount of dog saliva I've had on me is kinda gross... I know dog's mouths are supposed to be cleaner than a toilet, but still, he's been licking his penis with that tongue... Lovely imagery right there huh?? Ending on a good note LOL.

Much love all <3



 
 
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It definitely has been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been "close to manic" as my CPN puts it. I'm not manic, I'm a combination of manic and depressed. It's a weird thing. I'm real hyper but the thoughts racing around my head aren't happy and go-lucky, they're depressed and suicidal. Like I said, it's weird.

With all the energy I've got I haven't really done much beside bounce off my bedroom walls and spend money. The solution from my mental health team is just to up my dose of medication. Does that really work? A part of me knows I need to do this and keep taking tablets, but then another part of me wonders why I can't just be stable without poxy medication to take. 

I've seen a film called Ted advertised in the cinemas. The outreach worker who works for the fostering agency wants to go and see it. It's rated as a 15 so I'm one of the few who she can take. What a job she's got huh? She goes out and drinks coffee, watches films and spends time out with the foster children! Admittedly she's also got to do paperwork, but how cool is that? She doesn't even have to pay for any of it. "Receipt please, the foster agency will pay". Eheh. There's probably downsides to the job but y'anno, it's about as good as it can get.

I've got to go into respite on the 20th while my foster family go abroad to Egypt for a holiday. I'm not really a "going abroad" kind of person. Not only will it be too hot, but I don't want to run the risk of going loony while I'm there. Imagine what it would be like having some kind of mental health crisis in a foreign country? Plus, I hate planes; or as I call them "claustrophobic tubes of death that fly fifty thousand feet in the air". The last time I went on a plane was a twelve-hour flight to Mauritius seven years ago. Never again!

Okay, it's taken me nearly two days to write this post as I can't sit still and concentrate. I hope you appreciate all the effort I've put in here! ;) 

 
 
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Well, it's me again! I've been considering calling the Crisis Team since Friday evening. My mental health team is going to be changing it's hours soon. They currently work 9am - 5pm. Classic office hours. That'll be switching to 8am - 8pm which I'm sure will be more helpful. Not only to me but to every other patient that they see.

I've been dissociating a lot. By dissociating I'm talking severely, where I get hours at a time where I don't know what I've done, who I've spoken to, where I've been etc. I also had two days where I binged incessantly. It was.. fun.. I'm hoping I communicated the sarcasm well in the word 'fun'..

But anyway, at what point do you call the Crisis Team? They can't exactly control my dissociation and, even though I hate to admit it, neither can I! Part of me says that the Crisis Team can be called even if you're not on the point when you're standing on a tall building considering jumping off. But what if it's something that no one can control? Half the reason I'm so stressed out about it is because I have no answers. I have no techniques to be able to control it. No, I wouldn't say I'm in 'imminent danger'. But would it be classed as 'imminent danger'? I have no idea when or where I can dissociate so in two minutes time it could happen and I'd end up in a dangerous situation. Would that count as a crisis? 

This is stupidly confusing and I probably haven't explained it well. I'm thinking that I only have to hold out until tomorrow, although it is only 12PM and night time is the worst. To me, my preference is that I use my CPN and psychiatrist rather than having to sell out my soul to some member on the Crisis Team. I know that they can access my records and such, but yanno, I don't really want to have to explain everything again and again. I've heard horror stories about experiences from the Crisis Team. That's probably partly why I don't want to ring them. I'd rather not have an insensitive dumb-ass on the line who knows nothing. There's always a chance that'll happen.

It's Monday tomorrow! I can do this. Stupid out-of-hours problems..